POSITIVITY

THE DAY THE DEVIL DRANK WATER

I've been hearing that the Devil drinks water but I never knew how real it was until I saw him drink cold water with my korokoro eyes. It wasn't funny. 😊

I visited my fiancé’s parents for the first time last week. I was really nervous, I wanted to do everything right so, I started writing down my ideas some days before. The gift to buy for them, the cloth to wear, what I'm going to say, etc. I was doing rehearsal like I was going for a seminar presentation. 

I got to the house and her mum had already prepared egusi soup with pounded yam. Wow! The whole house was booming with the aroma of a lot of orishirishi that is in the kitchen. I felt like I was in for a really good time. I remember how my fiance had told me several times that her mum is excellent when it comes to hospitality. 

Meanwhile, before I left the house I had consumed some hot beans and potato. It tasted so well I had to help myself with another plate to appreciate myself for a job well done. As a result of that my stomach had been rumbling before I left the house but I ignored it because my lady is already complaining that I'm late. She said if I hesitate I won't meet her Dad who initiated the meeting in the first place. 

So I ran out of the house, jumped on a bike to my Junction, and left for their house.

Now, this was where the "terribility" of the day began. Each time the bike runs into a pothole, I feel like shit was going to come out of my anus. Ah, I'm in trouble. At a point, I shouted at the driver and warned him to be careful. I'm sure he thought I was a lunatic because he was careful enough, it’s the road that is bad. 

Getting to the house, I called my babe and she came to welcome me at the gate. 

Seeing her, I quickly apologized. “I’m sorry I’m late. I was…” “It’s okay joor, you’re just in time.” She interrupted. 

How do I look? That was my first question. "You're okay jare, let's go in. Are you here for a job interview?" She said smiling. 

As we entered, I saw her parents, her siblings, and a few relatives. My heart was pounding and at the same time, I was excited. It was a mixed feeling.

Good afternoon ma, good afternoon sir. My prostration was effortless. I dropped flat like the good Yoruba boy that I am. Still there with my chest on the ground, her father rained some showers of prayers on me. "In Jesus name, we pray, Amen." Get up, get up, how is everything..." The conversation began. 

Oh Lord of mercy. Please do not put me to shame. As I tried to get back up to my feet, I knew this was it. They will send me out of this house eventually. I was ashamed of myself in advance. Ordinary getting up to sit became difficult. One morsel of shit is already standing at the entrance of my anus, waiting for me to make a move for it to pop out. 

Aaaah! I'm finished. 

I had to crawl like a child to a nearby chair and held it to pull myself up. I sha used style. I escaped that one. The shit went back in. 

I sat there for about 10 minutes hoping that my babe would come out so I can ask where the toilet was then just as she came out, I heard her mum calling that we should come to the dining table. Ah! Not me, I assured myself. 

"Oh mummy, I just ate before leaving the house ma thank you so much." As if my Village People were following me. The mum looked at me with a surprising Yoruba mother-ish look and said there's nothing like that. "Me that I've been running up and down since morning waiting for you, you better come here or else I will feed you myself."

We all smiled cos it was funny the way she said it, but it was only my smile that was fake. 

As she said that, I knew I was in for trouble. As I was climbing the few stairs that lead to the dining area, my anus opened at each step and it was as if shit was going to pop out. Fada lawd! Please don't disgrace your son. 

As I placed my foot on the last stair it felt as though something dropped in my pants, so unconsciously, I shouted “Jesus”! And all at once, all eyes were on me. The Dad asked, “are you okay”? So I stylishly and quickly added, "thank you, Jesus." As if I did it intentionally. 

It worked... everyone smiled and went back to what they were doing.

Now I’m seated in the dining sweating. I knew I was in trouble. How will I take any excuse to go to the toilet when food is just being served. I dialed my fiance’s line and thank God she came around so she directed me to the toilet. What a relief.

As I got to the toilet, oh my God it was as if my anus could see that I was in the toilet. I wasn't done pulling my boxers when the shit unleashed itself. Thank God my trouser was not stained, it was just my boxers. I felt a great relief. Despite the fact that the whole toilet was filled with a terrible smell, I treasured the first 15 minutes I spent offloading.

I realized I was spending too much time so I looked around to find the tissue but I couldn’t find any. Issokay, maybe it’s water they use. I looked into the water basin but there was no single drop of water. Ha! My Yoruba accent just resurrected. Oluwa olorun iye, ah! Aye mi!

My people, I removed my boxers, used the clean part of it to wipe my butt, and dumped it into the toilet seat. I reached for the flush button and pushed but there was no water there too. Okay o, let me call my babe’s attention. I was about checking for my phone when I realized I didn’t pick it from the dining table. Finally, I knew they have “getted” me.

I couldn’t cry. I was just praying to God for the ground to just open up and swallow me.

Ladies and gentlemen, until that ground opens, I’m not leaving this toilet o. This is day 2.

I hope this day never comes o. This is pure fiction.

I'm not a good storyteller but this came to my head a long time ago and I decided to share it with you. I hope you enjoyed it? 😆 Let me know in the comment.